Is there a pill for chronic indecisiveness?

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“For 3 hours she sat there, and for 3 hours he asked her the same 1 question, and in 3 hours her mind processed 100 answers, she voiced only 5 while thinking 4 of the five were plain wrong, or maybe was it the 5th one? Yea, way to go crazy.”

All that romantic bs in The Notebook about Noah asking Ali what she wants, in real life, this right there, is a trigger for an explosive situation. She did give an answer, but how could she be sure it’s the right one? What if this whole thing was a mistake? What if the reasons were stupid? What if he really loved her? What if he’s the only one for her? What if 20 years from now this answer from 100 other ones haunts her to her grave? What if it was simply a human-being-human-therefore-bound-to-make mistake kind of thing? What If, what if, what if, what if, and the hours are flying as fast as the years. The Disorganized Perfectionist, she thought afterward… is there a pill for that? Everything needs to be without a stain, therefore let’s spend an eternity making sure it is.

decisions

It is so easy to say oh life is about making mistake and learning from that. Well, what about the part where you have learned about your mistakes so much that you are unable to decide your life? What about facing the same situations different times, and each time unable to reach a decision because there is never enough time to decide.

Well pick one and run with it. Don’t look back no matter what. Move forward. What ever happened at a certain moment is exactly what you needed at that moment and bla and blablabla

Sure. It is that easy in the mind of a disorganized perfectionist.

Just Fucking Pick One!!! Oh sure. Did you want me to pick between a fire death or a tsunami one? Umh let’s see. Yupp. It’s that easy.

It could be a desire to please. It could be plain stupidity. It could be an extremely slow process kind of thing. The fact of the matter is something is very unclear or someone is extremely blind.

It is 2:41 AM, I leave for work in exactly 6 hours. Yet I am unable to sleep because I have to help her decide how to do a proper emotional housekeeping. Yike!

Being an adult is freaking stupid! All that emotions and feelings bs need to go!

And it’s already 2:45, the last 3 sentences took 4 minutes smh. Some of us should be placed into voluntary isolation until the world is clear of infectious ultimatums. Why is it so hard to close my eyes and let it all flow if I obviously have no control over the wind? It took 3 months and ½ to trust that water can carry my weight as long as I believe and float and not let my heart sink me. It took 6 months to realize backstroke might actually be the most relaxing swimming techniques ever. But it is taking me forever to decide of my last free fall.

“If it makes sense to you, do it. If it doesn’t make sense don’t do It.” uhm. Does it make sense losing sleep to write this. Not really. Cause sleep is important.

So should I lay back in the dark and read the word through my mind since obviously I cannot sleep either way? Probably. Maybe I’ll fall asleep.

Does that mean questions will be answered when I’m awake. Maybe.

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That “Maybe” right there is the key to indecision. Maybe is not an answer anyone can count on. So I am finishing these 2 pages hoping somehow now that I have put these mixed feelings in words some angel will crawl up in my dream and bring me all the answers. 😦

3:00 AM.

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