It’s like having to run through a big fire with no armor in sight

It does not matter how much you prepare your mind for it

It does not matter how long you think it through

It does not matter how many techniques you plan to use

You know it for a fact, once you step foot in that fire you will burn

If the flame missed your skin, the smoke will suffocate you.

There are pains that are just painful – period

There is just not enough coping mechanism to soothe that

No doctors in the world can cut this cage and remove your heart until this pain goes away

The kind of pain that twists your reality into making you think It is necessary

The kind of pain no one ever believes is painful because You and It become one

You are both mixed into each other until there is no apparent difference

The kind of pain you miss when you’re happy (the attributed happiness that is)

Yes, that kind of pain.

It is the ultimate shock of stepping into bright light right when you start forming attachment to your darkness.

It is that “mass” once it comfortably finds its place in your stomach that will not go away until it so decides.

It sits there, inert, decreasing your airflow, cramping your throat, inhibiting your needs, messing up your chemicals and torturing your mind

But again there is that one underhanded pathway leading to the fastest, instant relief exit

And you’ve taken it many times….so you’d rather move differently this time

“I’ll inflict my own pain to make you feel better

If you are able to heal even soothe the consequential scars a while after

I’ll lose a bit of my dreams and torture my reasons

If you are able to see past my gloom

What I wouldn’t give so you can see ME

With no timeline, just this growing self in the present moment.”

(sigh) …..this fearful pain you Never want to lurk in your mind or put in words

Yes that kind of pain.

Haunt me, sweet-torment me.

Mesmerize me, then awake me to the coldest splash

Slowly slit through these wounds, then seal them with a tender kiss

Call it love, I’ll naively believe it

Because somewhere in the origin of this Pandora

I learned something somehow the wrong way.

So I’ll let the music play, I’ll leave the lyrics to chance

There is no more energy to even play a martyr.